Tuesday, August 21, 2012

The Seven Layers of Filth

When we all lived with our parents growing up, we had people around us who were hired to clean up after us. If you did not enjoy this privilege then I am sorry for assuming that you did. But your lost childhood doing dishes is of no concern to me. There are more nefarious things afoot than your sadness over having laundry calluses on your hands. Unlike YOU who is still lamenting your servant-less childhood the rest of us grow up. When we grow up, we move out and we move into apartments where for the first time there is no one to clean up our messes. Without the benefit of a military trained father, some have no idea how to cope, so the house gathers filth like a land fill. For safety concerns I am prompted to outline the seven layers of filth and the very REAL dangers they pose.

Level One: I should clean that up.
This is not a dangerous phase because the filth is manageable. Usually, it is confined to a few dirty dishes in the sink, some spread out magazines in the living room, some dust bunnies and a few dirty clothes which could do with a wash. A quick afternoon is more than enough to vanquish the enemy before it reaches a new level. But we all have busy lives doing other things so it gets put off.

Level Two: I REALLY should clean that up.
It is pretty much the same as level one other than being about double in size and attitude. At this level the filth is taunting you to clean. But that’s just paranoia because everyone knows that dirt cannot “taunt” anyone. It’s an inanimate collection of objects. So it can be put off and a therapist can be consulted about the paranoia it is causing. Don’t worry, the therapist won’t make you clean it up because you are in the chair after all, aren’t you?
Level Three: Evolution
You’re pretty sure that when you lean in close to certain piles of filth, you can hear movement. But again, this could just be paranoia. Besides, the therapist said the high powered drugs she prescribed may have side-effects. So you can relax. But not too much because that filth has piled up pretty good so you better get on it. Then again, what’s a few more days, right?
Level Four: Oh My God! Did I just see something move?
Filth attracts roommates. But not the cool ones who pay rent and let you borrow clothes from time to time. I’m talking about rodents, cockroaches and an assortment of wildlife best left to the care of the Kenya Wildlife Society. They scamper about the house eating crumbs on the floor which they did not pay for. They shift garbage piles around which confuses you and fuels your already dangerously ignited paranoia. At this stage, it does not matter whether or not you clean because the roommates will just mess everything up again.
Level Five: Biohazard
The landlord is not amused and issues a stern warning that if the apartment is not cleaned up then you will face consequences. The roommates do not take kindly to threats so they snuff him out in his sleep and make his body disappear. You suspect that they have done this but have no real proof other than the landlord’s tie which is laying on one of the filth piles in your apartment like a trophy. Even if you called the authorities, they would not believe you. You would probably be the one they suspect of foul play because of the nature of your living conditions. It REALLY does not matter if you clean or not because the filth has become an organized democracy.
Level Six: Escape while you still can.
The roommates have taken over. You are their hostage. They are organized. They have divided the apartment into territories based on superiority. But rather than snuffing YOU out, they keep you alive and allow you your old bedroom privileges with armed sentries to keep an eye on you so that you don’t try anything stupid. They need you alive so that your name can still reflect on the lease. This way no one will suspect anything of their “master plans”. You get one meal a day and they allow you to watch as they make plans for world domination. You are scared because they have been biogenetically enhancing themselves and the roaches can do much more than withstand nuclear holocausts now. They are like super soldiers. The rats have developed mind control abilities and that thing that used to be leftovers in the fridge is now ten feet tall with razor sharp teeth and a taste for human flesh. They are making more of them. God help us all!
Level Seven: New World Order
It is years after what is now known as the “Vermin Revolution”. Your former roommates have divided the world into communes where they are ruthless overlords. They keep human slaves who pleasure their sick, deviant desires and compete in gladiator like arenas for their amusement. They have bioengineered giant genetic monstrosities to enforce their laws. Resistance is outlawed and those who dare attempt to resist are executed in public and their carcases fed to their children. They breed humans like cattle now. You are still alive but only because the vermin herald you for not cleaning up when you had a chance. Otherwise the world would never have been theirs. You hold no title or position in this new world. You are a trophy who is forced to follow the emperor around in chains as a symbol to humanity. Everyone hates you but luckily no one wants you dead. At this point it’s pointless. All is lost. 

I have a feeling that this little disagreement originally stared with two amoeba arguing in a sink full of dirty dishes.


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