Thursday, August 23, 2012

Behold! My love cushion!

My brother got married a few years back. His wife was recently complaining that when she met him he looked like a rugby player and now he looks a lot more like Santa Clause. She was referring to the expansion of his belly region making him look a little like a “giant black light bulb”. I don’t understand her problem seeing as it is a combination of her good love, his success and her paralyzingly good cooking which has led to this predicament. Seriously, weekends at their house always result in my gaining a few pounds. Imagine the man who lives there twenty four seven. Of course he looks bulbous.
There is a reason Santa Clause is a “jolly old man”. Not only does he eat sweets non-stop but he has a loyal wife who never leaves the kitchen, a career in an industry which allows him to see the world, immortal tenure, prime real estate, one of a kind transportation and prominence. Women can learn something from these characteristics. They are all symbolic of a man who is doing something right with his life. This is a good thing if a woman is being observant. It is simple logic. The larger a man’s frame the more space they require.
Naturally, the hand-me-down Nissan Saturn he got from his old man will be replaced with a Land Cruiser which can carry the weight. Apartment doors become too narrow and only a house with double doors can do. The important word in the previous sentence is “house”. Then we have to remember that the “pot” has two main sources. The first is occupational success and the second is good cooking. Pay attention, I am about to blow your mind. The slimmer a guy is the closer he is to “broke and single”. There IS an exception to the rule. Some men have financial prowess but no good cook. Others have a good cook but no financial prowess. Both of them are usually “athletic built” mostly because they are still working towards something and don’t have time to sit and eat. A big round belly is a symbol of contentment. It’s like a visual representation of the question “Do I look like I need more?”
I like to think of it as a sort of “love cushion”. Not only is it a metaphoric resting place for the trophies of love and success but in certain situations it is an ACTUAL resting place for a weary woman who needs to put her head down. You cannot argue with multi-functionality like that. I believe women should stop hen-pecking their husbands to join gyms. Instead, how about watching a few extra hours of the cooking channel every day to ensure the man starts expanding properly. I woke up this morning, stood up straight put my chin on the top of my sternum and realized I can still see the tip of my feet. Progress is not being made fast enough. I have to step up my game.  
 But don’t be fooled, there is a difference between a love cushion and a beer gut. One is like a pillow the other is like a water balloon. Learn to tell the difference. If you cannot tell, put your hands on the belly and give it a little jiggle. If you hear water, that’s a beer gut.


1 comment:

  1. My girl did this to me too lol. The difference is she wants me that way, and if she's happy, I'm happy. I don't need to impress anyone else. Not sure about the advice about giving it a jiggle though. I tend to crack up and collapse when she does that to me. :3