My brother and I
have the most non-linear conversations in existence. It is a
testament to our creative nature. Last night we were involved in a
two hour argument about women and what they want. Ridiculous, I know,
considering that it is at least a six hour conversation leading to
drinks and a lack of consensus. But we were both too tired to get
into it academically. Plus both of us were involved in sending those
text messages which people snigger while sending, so attention spans
were low. It's probably how the conversation got started. We started
with talking about the dynamics of a threesomes and devolved into
fantasies of older women (CONSENSUS! Nini Wacera can still bring
it!). Finally we settled on how to pick up women in a bar.
My brother is
significantly older than me so his delusions are based on a
yesteryear I never got to experience. But MY delusions are based on
romantic ideologies best left on an episode of How I Met Your Mother.
It's always funny to see how these two perspectives refuse to work
together. According to him, in his day, if you wanted to pick up
women in a bar, you showed up like you just came from a hard day's
work in some prestigious position. For example, wearing uniforms was
a huge hit. Soldiers, sailors, pilots and even a lab coat (doctor) if
you were creative. The point was to communicate status without
opening your mouth. If all these hit the wall and you felt ridiculous
then you pull out the nuclear warhead. A leather jacket and a helmet
which said, “I don't have a fancy job, but I have a motorcycle and
can probably throw down with the bouncer here on cue”. Apparently,
women used to go gaga over a guy who can ride a motorcycle.
However, this is
where youth steps in and corrects the delusion of the elderly. First
of all, in my opinion, the only person who shows up to a pub on a
motorcycle is a courier service delivery guy. Motorcycles are
impractical. They have been impractical for a very long time but it's
not my brother's fault for thinking they are useful. They used to
watch Renegade and think Lorenzo Lamas was a pretty cool Chuck Norris
replica. But he was not. The folly of motorcycles? No backseat. No
woman in a bar is just going to jump up off the stool and onto a
motorcycle for a near death experience ride all the way to your
house. They, like men (don't deceive yourselves), want to taste the
merchandise. This is where back seats come in handy. In the parking
lot of the pub, a quick round of making out and some groping is all
the difference between, “Let's go back to your place” and “Let's
get back in there before people get worried”.
See, in this day
and age. Things are a lot more tricky. We can no longer use clever
outfits to land a babe. We have to rely on every man's worst enemy...
Our mouths. Technically, that's not true, the dumber a man, the less
likely he is to say something stupid mostly because he can't think of
anything. This is why men are better at “smooth talking” when
they are drunk. Because the alcohol has drowned all the words. But
sobriety mixed with a beautiful woman in a bar leads to a lot of
dangerously wordy situations.
Did you know that
it is IMPOSSIBLE to compliment a woman while sober? Every compliment
is attached to a sudden eye movement towards the section which is
most complimentary. For example, “You look beautiful!” is
followed by a focal dive into the valley in between her breasts.
Women say it's offensive but what they mean is that it is offensive
because you are “thinking” about it. So lads, that liquid courage
you swallow before the approach is a game changer. Don't take it
lightly.
However, let me
guarantee that this is not an advice piece. What works with women and
men for either the two is a conundrum. I suspect it is one of the
punishments dealt out in eden which “He” did not tell anyone
about so that he could enjoy the fire works secretly. It's like
divine Big Brother. But at the end of the day, the fact is, it does
not matter whether you are James Bond or Steve Urkle, you can always
have some fun in a bar, if you get a little creative.
(A.Onyango)
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