MINION MANAGEMENT...

 First of all, let us define “Minion”. These are people (and some small to mid-sized animals) whose purpose in the organization is to ensure that all of your, dangerously close to insane, schemes succeed. Some people use fancy terms like “juniors” or “subordinates” to try and symbolize a “round table hierarchy” where people are equal.  This is a fallacy. In any organization there are superiors and inferiors. So make sure to stomp out any ideas of equality early by referring to all who serve under you as “Faithful Minion” e.g. “Good morning faithful minion! Be a good one and fetch daddy a cup of tea, would you?” (Extra points if she is female and you are condescending).

NEVER MAKE EYE CONTACT WHEN TALKING! It is a common philosophical ideal that “The Eyes are the window to the soul”. Your minions should not be allowed to detect that you have a soul or anything that can stimulate empathy. This makes them believe that they can ask for days off and “sick leave” is not an offense. Furthermore, when interacting with minions, ALWAYS keep your attention focused on what you were originally doing, such as reading the paper, sending e-mails or conquering Angry Birds. Only look at them if they make corrections to your orders to ask, “Are you questioning me?” See, as an added advantage, when someone is in trouble you CAN maintain intense eye contact to communicate your disappointment while you demand an explanation for their failure. It confuses them because you never do it. So SURELY you MUST be really upset, right?

In addition, never let them address you as anything less than “Sir”. Personally, I demand that all of my minions refer to me as “Father”. At first brush that might seem creepy but think about it. It is a LIFELONG declaration of my superiority over them. Just as a father is the head of the house hold, I am the head of the department. Anyone who is currently cracking “Nyeri” jokes after reading that and works under me had better be laughing while clearing their desk. NEVER foster humor among the minions. They are ONLY allowed to laugh at YOUR jokes. If you find them giggling by the water cooler and you have not delivered a punch line then punish them.

Do NOT punish your minions obviously. They have legal defenses from “unwarranted attacks”. Instead, single out an offender and raise them above the rest in status and responsibility. Make him or her “the guy” in your department. Call on them for advice on mundane tasks, congratulate them in theatrically public manners and regularly ask them to give everyone else their work on your behalf. The rest of the minions will alienate them from the group and when the offender has no “back up”, crush them. Return them to the blue collar depths from whence they came. The shame and ridicule they will receive from their co-minions will teach them never to cross you again.

Finally, uniform them. If you grew up as a part of the supposedly “counter-productive” 8-4-4 system in Kenya then you know how effective uniforms are. Not only do they equalize all the minions but the leader (you) is clearly distinct from the rest of the pack. Making everyone else except YOU the same is the alpha trait of the real leader in any organization. So, I think you get the idea of how to handle minions. But remember not to disrupt this hierarchy. If YOUR superior does these things to you, remember, it is a chain of command.