Saturday, August 4, 2012


There’s a specific moment in everyone’s lives where they realize that they have serious doubts about the future of humanity. Mine occurred when watching “The Watch” and realizing that all it takes to make people laugh is childish sexual innuendos and commercialism.
“The Watch” has a seemingly harmless plot: a murder causes Evan (Ben Stiller), a married man and Costco manager to create a neighborhood watch group. Evan is the type of man that tries to create neighborhood groups for everything and a good portion of the introduction is of him babbling about his different endeavors. The first inappropriate joke arises when he is listing the different people of different races with whom he is friendly. He proceeds to say that he is on the market for black friends.
Evan decides to go to the local high school football game and give a speech, which I understand was supposed to be funny, but really just turned into a joke that doesn’t ever seem to get to the point. At the end of the speech, he invites people who are interested to come over to his house for the first Neighborhood Watch meeting.
The people who show up at the meeting are the same actors playing the same characters. Bob is the overly loud and obnoxious typical sports-loving male played by Vince Vaughn. Franklin is the socially awkward and sexually frustrated kid that you aren’t quite sure what is wrong with him, played by Jonah Hill. Lastly, we have Jamarcus, the token black man played by Richard Ayoade. Jamarcus is, I won’t say my favorite character, but probably the one that I dislike least. Maybe it is the British accent that makes me hate him less. Once the meeting happens, they join the neighborhood watch and a few different meaningless things happen that show you what you already know: this is effing pointless, the neighborhood watch and ultimately the ENTIRE MOVIE.
After a few scenes of sexual innuendos and horrible jokes, we come to the point of the entire movie, which is that there are aliens in their town. They discover a globe that they soon figure out can blow things up if they all “finger the holes.” You can see the problem there. An entire plot point can be summarized by saying that the alien ball needs to have its’ holes fingered. Dear God! When the watch is called out to a man’s house played by R. Lee Ermey, they discover the alien is the one that is killing people in their town. After an ridiculously easy fight with the alien, Evan hits the alien on the head with a garden gnome and they bring it back to Bob’s house. The saddest part of the movie is that when we actually see the aliens, they are awesome. The costume design and creation of the aliens is amazing. If it had been in another alien movie, it would’ve been great.
Once the alien is back at the house, they decide to have a ridiculously over the top and sexual photomontage with the alien. They show the alien giving them a blowjob, and placing it in other sexual positions. How cliché and sad that this is what comedy has come to. Anyway, the alien then wakes up and attacks them, tossing them about and at the end of the fight says “we are already among you” or something along those lines. This then makes the group look for aliens in the people around them.
Evan has a new neighbor that has been on the outskirts of the movie and is only shown a few times. He then suspects the new neighbor of being an alien who has an alien hive and decides to go over for a party. They are hiding and Bob and Franklin have to leave to go get Bob’s skanky daughter and leave Jamarcus and Evan to the neighbor. When they enter the neighbor’s house, they find nothing but a giant sex orgy. Exasperated sigh. Jamarcus ends of up staying and Evan returns to Bob, they argue for him leaving and then Evan goes to his wife who is really not important in the movie at all. He could’ve been single and it really would have made no difference whatsoever.
Jamarcus comes back to Evan after having experienced the orgy at the neighbor’s and gets the watch together. He shows them that he is an alien and that the aliens are creating a transmitter to have an invasion and that it is at Costco, because “they really have everything we need.” I can’t even express my disgust and disdain for this movie in words. Firstly, the human race is saved because of the sexual experience of an alien life form in the basement of a suburban town? The writers couldn’t even think of a better saving grace for our race? See moviegoers, that is what Hollywood writers think of you. You aren’t even worth saving gracefully, you are saved by a little Asian woman sucking on the genitals of an alien. Yes, you should be offended.
The Watch goes to stop the aliens at Costco, stupid battle scene ensues and they are trying to kill aliens and they’re not dying. So what do we find out? The only way to kill the aliens is to shoot them in their penises. Seriously. That’s a major plot point. Shoot the aliens in the penis and they die. Really? Ok. And the end of the movie consists of the men, fingering the ball, blowing up Costco and a rain of Magnum condoms, and aliens parts rain over them. Wow.
So to sum this cinematic gem up: bad sexual jokes, consumerism, and just an overall fear for the future of humanity from this girl. I don’t often go to terrible movies, but this is definitely one of the worst movies I’ve seen in a very long time. I’d even venture to give Tommy Wiseau’s The Room a better rating that I would give this terrible comedic failure.

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