Thursday, January 31, 2013

Weekly lyrical Intepretation

Viva La Vida - Coldplay

"I used to rule the world
Seas would rise when I gave the word
Now in the morning I sleep alone
Sweep the streets I used to own"

Talking of a ruler with immense command. Seas of people would rise at his command.
This is contrasted with the fact that he has been displaced from ruling. (It's interesting that he sleeps in the morning.) Now he is a servant, or a beggar. "sweeping the streets."
From riches to rags, from kingship to poverty.

Numb - Linkin Park

"Tired of being what you want me to be
Feeling so faithless lost under the surface
Don't know what you're expecting of me
Put under the pressure of walking in your shoes"

Looking at the lyrics of the song it doesn't say who it is about, so it doesn't have to be a teenager and his/her parents. However it does seem to be more teenage based. The Lyrics suggests that he/she is tired of being "expected" to be like everyone else whether by parents, school peers or even work colleges. This person has been pushed and pushed to live up to the expectations of the others around them, this leads them to become numb to the people around them. The lyrics "be more like me and less like you" and "put under the pressure of walking in your shoes" tells us that they wish to do as they want with their life, not have it ruled over by the expectations of the other people.

Three little birds - Bob Marley

"Don't worry about a thing,
'Cause every little thing gonna be all right.
Singin': "Don't worry about a thing,
'Cause every little thing gonna be all right!"

Three Little Birds is full of Christian ideology. There are three birds representing The Trinity (God) which sing sweet melodies that are "pure and true". Their message is not to worry. Read Matthew 6:25-27. Jesus talks about not to worry and and uses "birds" as the example of creatures that do not worry. Christ was found to have been risen from death in the morning. The singer rose up in the morning and smiled with the "rising sun" (Rising Son). Whether it was intentional or not, there are too many coincidences for this song not to represent Christ.

Lose yourself - Eminem

"But hold your nose cause here goes the cold water 
His hoes don't want him no mo, he's cold product 
They moved on to the next schmoe who flows 
He nose dove and sold nada 
So the soap opera is told and unfolds 
I suppose it's old partner', but the beat goes on 
Da da dum da dum da da "

This is the game: find the newest, hottest artist and exploit him until he stops producing. The fame of a rapstar is owned by the game, not by the artist, and will go where the game tells them to go. As soon as the current hot artist falters, a new one is already waiting in the wings, and the spotlight shifts... leaving only public examination and humiliation at the hands of the media. The irony is that this process is obvious and well known, but it still keeps happening because it is the nature of the beast.


We have all heard of the jokes "mammy where did you first meet Dad?" "Facebook"..,its common on our era,online dating ..yes! lets agree it has been evolving since them days where computers had backbones(not flat screens),but it has quite picked allies right now.

Its a common thing for Lucy to date James who is 1000 miles away being internet their middle man,While online dating is becoming more main stream there are still those who for some reason believe that meeting someone via the computer isn’t normal. Yet this same person will disclose all of their personal business via updates to their 5k FB friends and only really know 102 of them.

I really don't think its wrong doing dating somebody online,I’ve always been amazed by the judgmental people that mock online romances yet rave about the person they met at the club or bar it almost that same thing,dating online cant get trusted that much since you are really not sure with the one your chatting with?Lucy can be tricked by  James profile pic and yet after meeting him she realizes James is not that athletic and bountiful and still online dating can be the best to some people..

The reason why I absolutely love online dating is because it’s a money saver for both men and women. Men don’t have to waste money trying to impress women they aren’t even sure are worth it. Wining and dining can add up. If the average date cost a man let’s say $200(Tshs 250,000). Dinner at a nice restaurant, the flowers he brings you (if he has any class), the gas he burned picking you up or meeting you there and maybe some other event during the evening if there was time.Three dates a month can easily cost a man $600(tshs 650,000). “Blowing Money Fast” is only a reality in make believe rap songs. So a dude is out of $200 per date just to find out if he wants to take a woman out again.  I’m sorry but you’re no Beyonce and he’s not Jay. Let’s be a little more realistic about what a date is suppose to be and come down off the high horse it took you so long to climb onto. I know that’s difficult for some of you to do because you’re just so hot right?  

The only reason i tend to hate online dating is "guessing,"Peter Magai a friend of mine tells me online dating is called "guessing love" you are not sure of the person you are dating,"this reminded me of some stories i heard from my colleagues,A guy used a month stalking on a beautiful lady that she saw on the internet,he made a move and the next thing he knows they are in love ,the everyday chats and sexual appeasing photos made them get more accented ,he was the financier of everything, He flew out too see her and he arrived at the town and booked one of the most expensive hotels,as he waits the door bell rings to open he saw a big black beard blotted man standing in front of him ,to ask who he was ,it was the girl he was expecting..

 To my views Online dating can either be the best since it allows you to put your best foot (along with your best pics) forward. It’s actually more engaging than meeting someone in the traditional manner. There is no audience so performances in the club or at the bar are unnecessary.It can also be so fake since you are not even sure if what you are having is love,and the distance can also affect.

So friends lets not ignore or laugh at people that are dating online and yet lets all be careful on the dates we have online..if you think you really want to flirt online Msongo says visit

Saturday, January 26, 2013


 "i love the way you die boy". its among the quotes that made me smile,i had to  pause the film,surely it caught me up on how a brother like him could pull such a stunt during the 1858 and soon i realized i was watching a movie.
I hope am not that late enough to review "Django Unchained".

Well Quentin Tarantino had to step on the different side this time cooking a pot that takes place during the slavery era,unchained takes place in southern America in 1858, two years before the Civil War. The film opens with Django (Jamie Foxx), a slave being transported by foot to a new plantation. A bounty hunter named Dr. King Shultz (Christoph Waltz) then sets Django free. He needs Django to identify three men he has been searching for so that he can kill them and collect the bounty for their bodies. After a turn of events, Shultz becomes a sort-of mentor to Django, and the two set out as partners in the business. Eventually they arrive in Mississippi, where Django wants to free Broomhilda(Kerry Washington) his enslaved wife from the clutches of plantation owner Calvin Candie (Leonardo DiCaprio),an dissenter slave keeper who forces slaves to brutal fight for sports.

New here for Tarantino is the theme of slavery. This is a touchy subject, but somehow Tarantino manages to make it work in his court. Among all of the ridiculous pieces that mix into Unchained, Tarantino never loses sight that the slavery era in America was a terrible thing. While the movie is often hilarious and wildly entertaining to many of my pals but i was still quite not impressed with random flashbacks and racially offensive stupidity masquerading as comedy.

I almost lost the theme of the movie and the year they were referring to after hearing a Rick Ross track somewhere in the movie ,which i even had to pause again and frowned,"seriously"? i thought it was so disconcerted..a friend of mine told me Ricky must have much love for this film,and Tarantino why Hip Hop beat during slavery era?

I bet Boondocks lovers after watching Django they were caught by a surprise,if you ever watched Boondocks season two episode twelve named “The Story of Catcher Freeman” the cartoon details the story of a freed slave who works for his former fellow captives ,something very related to "Django Unchained" though the adult comedy cartoon intended to be funny unlike Django Unchained.

Speaking of the cast here Jamie foxx was so solid in this movie giving me flashbacks of Kunta kinte ,he had guts and well played two different characters being a slave and later a gunslinger,also we had other supporting artists like Leonardo DiCaprio was the most interesting in this film ,he talked boastful and succeed admirably ,his performance  is really a reminder of why the actor is one of the more respected of his generation.
 Now Samuel Jackson a man  i have always loved his films,he did superb in this movie playing as a puppet to Candie ,hilarious acting from him.Kerry Washington wasn't much to see from her since she had small to do ,any character could have suit for her but i really loved how she could get scared,the fear she had was unbearable no wonder fox called her the "little trouble maker".Not living out Waltz ,a character that nailed it,speaking different languages and confusing dialogue ,a doctor that was very cocky and instead f majoring to his professional he became a bounty hunter..

Am quite sure critics will have much to say of this movie but we enjoyed it...

Msongo grades it: B+

Wednesday, January 23, 2013


May it be the Apple that Adam ate and the convincing power Eve had to manipulate his mind,is it a big reason why there is a lot of cheating in relationships?

My friend Anita had to ask me a question that i clearly never had the answer to it at the spot and ended up saying "i don't know",She asked me why man Cheat? sincerely i was about to answer her rudely by forwarding back the message to her as to why women cheat"? but i swallowed my pride and may it not be point of argue..

Answering her question,One:
There must be a woman willing to cheat with him (that's easy). Two. He must give in to temptation. That's it. It has nothing to do with him not loving his girlfriend/spouse. It has nothing to do with him not being "a real man". It has nothing to do with having "mommy" issues as a young boy or being intimidated by "his woman". It simply boils down to opportunity and a willing participant.

Finding a woman that will sleep with a man in a committed relationship is as easy as finding a whore in a whore house. Again, that's easy. Now hoping he has the self control and discipline not to cheat - well that's where things get a little sticky. We've all heard the stats about how many times a day a man thinks about sex. Well these days he doesn't have to "think" at all. It’s right there - ALL DAY - 24/7 - 365. Apps, profile pics, free porn sites, viral videos, forwarded pics from his boys. You name it; he's seen it - 3, 4, 500 times over. It doesn't take a lot to stimulate a man sexually. That's how we are wired. Now multiply that urge by a barrage of non-stop stimulating access. 

The one thing that i surely hate is to why girls/lady's act so nonpareil ,they will always drop that blame on man,having conversations with my lads has helped ,most of the times the girls will sigh and say we men are number one players,i deny it ..everyone can cheat a lady or a man..

Now let me be clear - WOMEN REALLY DON'T UNDERSTAND THE IMPORTANCE OF SEX AND WHAT "NEW" SEX MEANS TO MEN.This is why women always internalize the cheating whether  they admit it or not.

OK, ladies, you don't get the "sex" thing but for the love of your relationship please stop discounting how important it is to YOUR MAN. Try this. Take whatever your thing is may it be your purse, What if you could get the LV "Never Full Bag" in every color and size, any time you wanted it; and at a discounted rate? (just an example – Louis doesn’t discount). That description alone is orgasmic. Apply your "thing" and multiply it by 1 trillion. That is how much your man (and any other man) loves, needs and wants sex. 

The best thing you can do for yourself is to find a mate that understands and accepts the responsibility of accountability. Seeking out traits in a man that identify his strengths in the face of adversity wouldn't be a bad start. No man is exempt from temptation but a man who can see it coming from a mile away and remove himself as the objective is on the right track. Recognizing it’s the over-lay for the under-play – PRICELESS!

Once you have him the best thing you can do is equip him so that he is prepared when he goes into the jungle. To prepare him you must embrace the 4 F's - Feed him, F*#@ him, be Faithful to him and shut the F#@ up sometimes. This still doesn't guarantee that he won’t cheat but it will make him think twice before he gives up what he has with you for some random broad that was able to stroke his ego during a weak moment.

 My sisters don't just sit their and complain men cheat a lot,of course if you are not prepared enough the war is right there,flexibility isn't needed.

You  have damaged the game beyond repair. The advice above is for sisters who love and respect their men and need a heads up about these broads ,Send your man out to do battle prepared,do your thing and he will never take you for granted but i repeat it depends on your skills and i don't guarantee he wont cheat..You are in the field use all possible tactics to win him rather than being pessimistic and saying all man are from one mothers womb ,your sarcastic word of referring as us all being players..

Saturday, January 19, 2013


The late night calls,the hours we spend on Skype communicating to our loved ones that are quite 1000 miles away from us ,trying to make the relationships solid day by day and yet for some it works out and some end up sniveling.

long-distance relationship is typically an intimate relationship that takes place when the partners are separated by a considerable distance, the distance might be due to work,studies,vacation and so may other inevitable causes.

There many things that might build up or destroy a long distance relationship,the fact that you cant get to see your lover everyday is already a problem.For men it surely affects them because among the most thing they need is being bugged by their lovers,the everyday sex at the Sofa or may it be the kitchen or just by that comfortable Mercedes seat, and yet their is a blockage because the person to do all this is 1000 miles away,and that might already be the number one reason of a relationship to fade.

For a woman it will surely disturb her more since she is the master of mood swings and and the queen of wanting to be cared of,the problem will start when she wants you at that moment and you are far,the outings with friends will probably hurt her since all of her friends will have their superman beside them and she will miss her fiances company..the stories her friends will be telling her on how their boyfriends chop their money buying them the Victoria secret's lingerie's and vacations to luxurious places ,this will lead  her to loose the courage and the benevolence..this is when the communication will start blaring and the versatility in her will be revealed..

I have heard of several complains from my lads that this LDR are so cost full ,the fact that you have to be recharging your handset some big pounds daily in order to communicate irritates ,one told me she has to visit the internet cafe daily so that she could call the fiance , and Jacob told me he has to get a smart phone so that he can get the necessary apps to communicate to her baby mama... Well this friends of mine have to know that relationships are always expensive no matter short or long distance,in order to please the one you love you have to commit yourself and do all that is necessary  to please them.

Some thing else that can easily kill the LDR is Fear ,we carry the fear in us ,we ask ourselves questions that aesthetically are pessimistic ,we tend to forget that our mouth can create all bad that we say...most fears are "what if she is cheating?" "what if he gets tired of waiting?" "is she lonely?" "what if she gets somebody else?"
All that we fear can take advantage on us and frighten us to death,have we forgotten that?? Instead of wasting your time being pessimistic try using the moment telling your lover how much you miss them and how much you miss them cuddling you..

At the same time long distance relationships help us,they build one to be strong and makes you grow much better knowing how LDR can be,you can never compare a couple in Long distance relation to a couple that is in short distance.It also builds up appreciation when you are with somebody its easy to take them for granted ,but when one is far there is this kind of respect that we show them and taking them for granted is a myth.
Yes loneliness might be there but its some how cool ,it makes you miss the one you love,it helps because once you get the opportunity to see your partner you wont want to let go of them.

And by the way long distance relationships can be cool since you strengthen emotion bond ,today's relationships are all about having sex,if i want to prove how much i love my girl i have to pump three fifties on her at bed and that's when she will say "i love you baby" being far helps on not riding your partner too much and she will ardently wait for that day when your back.. It also helps to test if your partner really loves you...

On my point of view i think distance between two amors isn't an obstacle,commitment,trust and communication is the key to start the engine of long distance relationships...lets just be armed with patience and just send those loving words and telling each other "lets meet in our dreams".

Are you in one?

Thursday, January 17, 2013


Peeling pants or that common word sagging has been a route of almost every youth ,may it be students or musicians or just that young man that  does his daily activities,almost every youth admire this style and yet they don't know the cornerstone.

Sagging is a manner of wearing trousers (slacks, shorts, pants or jeans) below the waist, revealing much of the underwear. Sagging is predominantly a male fashion though we have also seen some beautiful women dropping them pants,do we also call that sagging?

We have seen some big icons in movie and music industry addressing this fashion,movie directors like Tyler Perry have tried to criticize this style but without luck the style picked more allies, i being one of them falling in a group of saggers.

Sagging has acted as one of the most disrespectful fashion ,many parents cant bare seeing their young boys back pockets on the floor,it has been war between youth and parents and this practice has been ridiculed in music videos. First, in the 1996 song Back Pockets on the Floor performed by The Green Brothers of Highland Park, Michigan and Another song in 2007 by Dewayne Brown of Dallas, Texas entitled Pull Your Pants Up has a similar message

President Obama himself criticizes people who practice sagging,he appeared on MTV and stated that laws banning the practice of wearing low-slung pants that expose one's underwear were "a waste of time". However, he did follow that up with the statement: "Having said that, brothers should pull up their pants. You are walking by your mother, your grandmother, your underwear is showing. What's wrong with that? Come on. Some people might not want to see your underwear. I’m one of them.

Today i pass by street and see young kids peeling their pants ,the more you try telling them how disrespectful it is all they say is "SWAG" ..last time i checked swag is not showing your underwear or butts..

Women's wearing of low-rise jeans to reveal their G-string underwear (the "whale tail") is not generally considered sagging
Sagging has sexual connotations in prison ("Those who pulled their pants down the lowest and showed their behind a little more raw, that was an invitation").

According to Greg Mathis, sagging was adopted from the United States prison system where belts are prohibited. Belts are sometimes prohibited to keep prisoners from using them as weapons or in committing suicide by hanging themselves.The style was later popularized by hip-hop artists in the 1990s.It has since become a symbol of freedom and cultural awareness among some youths or a symbol of their rejection of the values of mainstream society.

Prohibiting sagging is something that is inevitable,its a point of us youths educating one another,it personally took me a while to abandon sagging but i successful manage.Showing your underwear to the public isn't the best thing,no one wishes to see whats under your trousers and moreover others don't dress them clean ,u can imagine how bad you can irritate the public..Don't call it swag because its nothing compared to swag unless inviting some people to buy your butts its swag..and maybe you all need help we can donate and get belts for every saggers..Manners ...Manners...where is the discipline..its immodest..

I understand sagging is just that other change to the world that many will protest but later it will be accepted ..yeah right..but over doing it whacks it down ..Stop or don't over do it.. 

Tuesday, January 15, 2013


I have always been looking of a better way to express my feelings on this coated matter,recently i got motivated after reading one of the posts and right then i decided to post my opinions..
For those living in my country are much aware on the above photo,common posters that we daily see at our front yards ,streets and even besides our offices.

The posters depict the work of some traditional healers in Tanzania,they use different strategies to market themselves,their banners are well written and they will just put that one thing that will attract the readers,a good example is a picture of an aberrant woman with hips and words that are sugar coated defending their services. 

Traditional healers  (also called waganga or sangoma) are practitioners of traditional  medicine, They fulfill different social and political roles in the community, including divination, healing physical, emotional and spiritual illnesses, directing birth or death rituals, finding lost cattle, protecting warriors, counteracting witches, and narrating the history, cosmology, and myths of their tradition.. This may take many forms, depending on cultural context.

 They have many names ,we call them "waganga",others call them sangoma , Kalumanzila , Inyanga and more funny names that will definitely disturb your subconscious mind,one of this days i was listening to a local radio and they asked if one would believe on this traditional healers?

I cant focus on calling them fake,though there some fake healers ...i would categories them into two ..the conman and the real Dr.Ukombozi..

There is definitely something fishy about some of the healers ,the fact that i have moved around Dar-es-salaam and studied different posters hanged on trees and walls that describe the works of the traditional healers it gives me goosebumps because non of the posters i have read states a healer from the particular town,they are all not from Dar-es-salaam,many from towns which are far and countries like Malawi and Nigeria,speaking of Nigeria whenever i see the posters they remind me of the Nigerian witchcraft films..

Believing or not believing isn't the point here what makes me think they can be believed is that the miti shamba (traditional herbs) that they prescribe are the cornerstone of the modern form of medicine,what makes most Sangoma differ isn't the power or the magic thing they have,they only differ because we have the conman and the real Sangoma's ..

I have heard from my lads that the most disease this healers tend to cure is sexual drive increment ,and others get better, i almost got a punch after i bawled that this healers are nothing but thieves and conman pal defended them at least the whole day,saying that this Sangoma's know what they are doing..i couldn't argue much mind led me to think its only because he hasn't met the Conman  .

My question comes, do they even have the permit to conduct all this adacadabraz? I was glad that one of my pals visited the so called Dr. Sangoma's and he finally got the woman he has always wet pants for, but its saddening to hear of an event that recently brought much attention to my country,an incidence of two lovers that happen to be one is married already but she couldn't stop vagabonding  and there they went stacking in each others intercourse.

I wouldn't mind them conducting their services but at least they should get authorization from the government and there medicines should at least be reviewed by the standard bureau ,i hate to believe they can cure but i get to hear they do good...but i still leave the unsolved question to you ..would you visit a traditional healer a.k.a Sangoma?


Saturday, January 12, 2013

MV LIEMBA..(the oldest babe in the world)

Every week its beautiful horn wakes me up,at least not every time i have to pass out my waking time.It might be a pollution to others but to me its that beautiful music produced by an old lady that has managed to leave over hundred years.

This lady gets more strong despite the aging,at least many Germans have handled this lady and few Tanzanians have tried to caress her..
This exquisite baroness has many names ,she was titled Graf Goetzen or Graf von Goetzen but my brothers named her Liemba ..yes! MV Liemba..such an adorable African name.

The petticoat was first laid down in 1913 and was officially launched in 1914,The MV Liemba, formerly the Graf Goetzen or Graf von Goetzen, is a passenger and cargo ferry that runs along the eastern shore of Lake Tanganyika,She is operated by the Marine Services Company Limited of Tanzania and operates between the ports of Kigoma, Tanzania and Mpulungu, Zambia with numerous stops to pick up and set down passengers in between.
Its been quite sometime since i have settled in Kigoma,and among the things i admire in this small town is the arrival of MV Liemba..this is the moment where the town gets busy,marching guys all over the port,Taxi drivers trying to passengers,motorbikes ,bicycles and not forgetting thieves..every one assigns themselves a task,you will be surprised to see bambino's  all over the port.

Graf von Goetzen was built in 1913 in Germany, and was one of three vessels operated by the German Empire to control Lake Tanganyika during the early part of the First World War. Her master had her scuttled on 26 July 1916 off the mouth of the Malagarasi River during the German retreat from the town of Kigoma. In 1924 a British Royal Navy salvage team raised her and in 1927 she was recommissioned as the Liemba. The Liemba is the last vessel of the Kaiserlich Marine still actively sailing anywhere in the world.

 Everyone is surprised on the creation of Meyer-Werft Shipyard in Papenburg ,i am quite sure the young children of the people involved in the creation of Liemba are left in surprises..

With the aid of the Götzen which had been additionally armed with a 105 mm (4.1 in) gun from the SMS Königsberg, the Germans had complete supremacy of the lake in the early stages of the war. The ship was used both to ferry cargo and personnel across the lake, and as a base from which to launch surprise attacks on Allied troops. It therefore became essential for the Allied forces to gain control of the lake themselves. Under the command of Geoffrey Spicer-Simson and the Royal Navy they achieved the monumental task of bringing two armed motor boats Mimi and Toutou from England and via the Belgian Congo to the lake by rail, road and river to Albertville (Kalemie) on the western shore of Lake Tanganyika. The two boats waited until December 1915, then mounted a surprise attack on the Germans, capturing the gunboat Kingani - renamed HMS Fifi. Another German vessel, the Hedwig von Wissman, was sunk in February 1916, leaving the Götzen as the only German vessel remaining on the lake.

As a result of their strengthened position on the lake, the Allies advanced towards Kigoma by land, and the Belgians established an airbase on the western shore at Albertville. From there in June 1916 they launched a bombing raid on German positions in and around Kigoma. It is not clear whether the Götzen was hit (the Belgians claimed to have hit her but the Germans denied it), but German morale suffered and she was subsequently stripped of her gun since  it was needed elsewhere.

The war on the lake had reached a stalemate by this stage, with both sides declining to mount attacks. However, the war on land was progressing, largely to the advantage of the Allies, who cut off the railway link in July 1916 and threatened to isolate Kigoma completely. This led the German naval commander on the lake, Gustav Zimmer, to abandon the town and head south. In order to avoid his ship falling into Allied hands, Zimmer ordered that Götzen be scuttled. The task was given to the three engineers from Meyer Werft who had travelled with the dismantled ship to Lake Tanganyika in order to supervise its assembly. They decided on their own that they would try to enable a later salvage; they loaded the ship with sand and covered all engines with a thick layer of grease before sinking her carefully on 26 July off the mouth of the Malagarasi River.

MV Liemba is still sailing until today,living her being the only  ship in the world that has been operating for hundred for now the Tanzanian Government is are trying to collaborate in renovating it or replacing it...

Thursday, January 3, 2013

Forget The Dictator, Here are the real 5 dictators

Sacha Baron Cohen's imagining of the world's most deluded dictator, but here's 5 real life dictators that are much worse than Admiral General Aladeen

1. Yahiya Jammeh – The Gambia

His Excellency Sheikh Professor Alhaji Dr. Yahya Abdul-Azziz Jemus Junkung Jammeh, thinks HIV/AIDS can be cured by smoothies. The despot ruling Africa’s smallest nation visits hospitals in the Gambia and rubs patients with a mixture of bananas, herbs and spices and tells the sufferer that they no longer have the disease. Touring the country in 2007 he said “Mine is not an argument, mine is a proof. It’s a declaration. I can cure AIDS and I will.” Mindful that he won’t be receiving the Nobel Prize for Medicine he dreams up awards. Local paper, The Daily Observer prints his sham boasts. One recent headline stated “President Jammah bags four awards” which included the “Platinum Award 2009 by President Barrack Obama”. Even historical events are invented, printed recently was “the first Atlantic flight and the first flight from Eastern Europe landed in The Gambia.” Loads more to come, the BBC reported recently his plans to rule for a billion years.

2. Kim Jong-un – North Korea

New kid on the block Kim Junior has not been in power long, therefore megalomania credentials are still to be seen. But if Kim Jong-ill was my dad and kids threw plastic flowers at my feet, and pictures of my face were on big buildings, and acrobats in lurid latex did cartwheels for the benefit of me. I would have delusions. The fresh-faced Korean takes 2nd place for a very bright future in the tyrant arena. However in a recent moment of clarity, Kim went to a local theme park and said it was “pathetic”.

3. Aleksandr Lukashenko – Belarus

Europe’s last remaining dictator. In a time when Eastern European states have joined the EU and want to move on from Soviet misery, this guy carries on choking free speech and torturing anybody who might question his backwards rule. Like an irresponsible uncle who won’t grow up – he doesn’t give a fuck what the sensible bureaucrats think of him – when criticised by gay German politico Guido Westerwelle, he said: “Whoever was shouting about dictatorship there … when I heard that, I thought: it’s better to be a dictator than gay.” Dictators never like gays. He also thinks he looks like President Barack Obama: “I look at Obama, a young man, a good-looking person. That is my first impression, I feel sorry for him. He looks 100% like Lukashenko”

4. King Mswati III – Swaziland

Africa’s last remaining absolute monarch likes to ponce around in a huge Maybach, 20 mega Mercedes, 15 palaces, and a private jet. For his Birthday, not happy with spending £250,000 on every thinkable excess – he demanded cows from his people to kill for a bit of fun at the party.

5. Robert Mugabe – Zimbabwe

Mugabe hoped to make things fair in an unequal Zimbabwe and fucked-up big time. The social reformer had good intentions, unfortunately things backfired and bad policy caused total economic meltdown. In 2007 the veteran despot wouldn’t accept the once prosperous country was screwed and ruined. In an interview he said: “Our economy is a hundred times better, than the average African economy. Outside South Africa, what country is [as good as] Zimbabwe? … What is lacking now are goods on the shelves —that is all”. Like all tyrants, he loves Adolf: “This Hitler has only one objective: justice for his people, sovereignty for his people, recognition of the independence of his people and their rights over their resources… If that is Hitler, then let me be a Hitler tenfold.”