Friday, November 9, 2012

The Scent of Sexual Harassment

Women are the most confusing creatures on the planet. They say what they don’t mean, mean what they don’t say, act in DIRECT contradiction of BOTH and vice versa. Did that sentence confuse you? See! Even describing them is a head trip! Women are the only creatures on the planet who can claim to enjoy rainbows yet vandalize them by adding made up things like “Magenta” to the layers. So it comes as NO surprise to me when a woman does something attention grabbing then gets offended when I point it out.
The latest in female psychological assaults on me came from a co-worker who was wearing a different fragrance from usual this morning. I gave her a sniff and with a big smile pointed out how nice the new scent is. I even inquired into what the new brand was thinking I was complimenting her. But she got upset, ran off to the other side of the room and launched into a rant about how I should not do that again. Not even a, “Hey, thanks for noticing!
My nose is pretty large, so I smell things more intensely than most would. It’s a silent talent of mine. Am like a bloodhound and to some extent resemble one (most prominently on mornings after a good night out). So it perplexes me to no end that my co-worker would be offended about my sniff. Did she want me to cover my face and turn away to respect her femininity?

"Sniffing is one of the highest compliments
I can give you without licking you..."

This kind of thing happens to men all too often. A woman wears a revealing tank top and we get scowled at for looking at her cleavage. A woman wears a short skirt displaying her legs and we have to go have a talk with human resources about the “lingering looks”. The cute waitress in skinny jeans at the pub bends over and my date chews me out for checking out her buns. What do women want? Why do they keep doing things to get noticed then getting upset when men notice?
Let’s face it gents, the gender war is over and we lost. This is mostly because we didn’t ever ACTUALLY know when we were fighting. In order to safeguard ourselves from sexual harassment seminars, I believe all men should do what we were originally programmed to do in Eden… BE IGNORANT! Think about it, Eve was permanently nude and there is no record anywhere in Genesis of Adam reacting prior to eating the fruit.
So, I’m taking a leaf (pun intended) from the original. This means, when a woman is wearing a short skirt, I will admire the clouds. If she is wearing nice perfume, I will cover my nose like it’s tear gas and living in Nairobi has given me much practice on how to do that. But for situations where will power may fail like if she wears a revealing tank top, I have no choice but to close my eyes and feel my way out of the room. I implore my fellow men to do the same.



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