Obama, why sweat to win?

Yes Ndugu Barack Obama, I guess you are still savouring the victory. You should have seen the tension on our faces (“our” here largely means Africa) when the polls at some point indicated that the Mitt Romney chap was about to pull a fast one on you. But it looks like those pollsters, like our own here, might have taken kitu kidogo from Romney’s camp. How come the so-called “close races” in Ohio and Pennsylvania never occurred?

Our bigger worry though was how on earth, our own son would be sent out of the White House just after one term. The thought of you packing your bags, with Michelle and the girls shedding tears as you made a pre-mature exit from that palace really worried us. You know in Africa we have never stopped looking at our leaders as chiefs even if they pretend to hold periodic elections and masquerade as democrats.

The truth is that they look at themselves as God-send, they live large, rule using patronage and believe only death should get them off the throne- and when that happens, one of their own should take over. These are all values our chiefs held in high esteem. And take it or not, Barack, you are one of us. You are our true son from Kogelo, just next door here in Kenya. It would therefore be very disheartening to see you not follow in the tracks of our forefathers.

Which brings me to the next point. Why did you let this election get this close? I know you worship your advisers like David Axelrod and Jim Messina to the point of saying they are the best campaign team in the history of politics but I beg to differ. How do you stay with advisers who insist that you address your mind to issues yet there are easier ways of winning an election? Why keep advisers who say you talk about unemployment, immigration, foreign policy and yet you could actually win an election by raiding the Federal Reserve Bank and inundate those unemployed voters with dollar bills and win minus breaking a sweat?

When I saw David Axelrod threaten to shave his moustache that he has kept since the 1970s if Romney made inroads into Pennsylvania and Minnesota, I kept laughing until I nearly collapsed. Why stake a beard yet you could mobilise a pack of idle youth, equip them with kiboko and unleash them onto voters, who then can be whipped into voting “wisely”? Besides environmentalists who might complain about tree branches being broken, I don’t see anyone else complaining about this approach to winning an election.

Now, I have also been told that America has this two-term presidential nonsense. Please, I know you could not mention it in your campaigns, but it is something you must think about. Who does not know that you are the best thing that ever happened to America? You are only 51 and will be 55 when this term ends—who says one leaves power at such a tender age?

As some Africa politician correctly pointed out, politics begins at 70. At 55, you still have three decades of active political life ahead of you. Here is my advice: Begin plotting on how to change that constitutional amendment. We hear the American constitution has never been tampered with, blah blah. There is always a first time. Who knew a Kenyan would rule the greatest country on planet Earth? But you broke that myth. You can also do away with this two-term myth.

I know the Congress is Republican-dominated but as some chap said somewhere—each man has his price. You can have a word with the guys at the Federal Reserve Bank and see if you can wire something to the congress men and women’s accounts. You can label it a “special consultative package”. I don’t know how much would do for them—seeing that in Uganda it was as low as $2,000 (Shs5m) for each legislator to achieve a similar feat. They should then begin talking a language you understand.

Finally ndugu, I don’t know how you are planning on retirement just in case this third-term project fails. We don’t want to see you after these four years “grassing”. Think of opening an offshore account in Sasha or Malia’s names. Ensure some public funds are wired there. Also, think of acquiring a good country resort in Kenya. You might need the good African weather to rest after hustling all these years. Enjoy your second term!