Friday, October 5, 2012

Rhythmic Sex Auditions

My friend The Theorist tells me that if you want a woman to like you physically, you have to be able to dance. “They do the same thing. Ever been in a pub and a group of women come close to you and begin to display their wares?” he asked. It was one of those things I had never really thought about until he said it and now I can’t stop thinking about it. My mind travels back to a night out in a Nairobi pub (no free name dropping). I was having a beer with the lads when a sexy siren and her doppelganger friend began to dance provocatively with each other near us. Yes, we did ogle, but I wrote it off as two inebriated girls having a good time. Could this have been a sales pitch?  
Dancing is tedious. I already buy the musician’s CDs I don’t see why I should pay them physical tributes. In fact, the only musician worthy of a physical tribute in my book is the late Barry White (you know exactly what I am talking about). But am told women appreciate a man who can “get down” because it shows they can move around in the sack. Usually I would file this type of advice under “Sarcastic Thank You’s Only” but after a bad experience with The Paramour during some guy’s four minute rant about a “it’s gonna be a bumpy ride” I was forced to reconsider.
There I was, in a pub casually enjoying my beer and rhythmically agreeing with the music by nodding my head to the beat, when the song started. As soon as it did, all the women in the pub let out a sudden scream and The Paramour grabs me by the arm, “I love this song, we have to dance!” As you can imagine I was not fully sold on this idea. But I was two beers in and she was looking good, what’s the worst that could happen, right? The word “fumbling” can be used to describe what I was doing on that dance floor. It was one of those moments that was so embarrassing that it stopped being embarrassing.
Needless to say, after that, she has never asked me to dance again unless making some passive joke about my lack of rhythm. Could I have accidentally negatively marketed my “lights off” skills? Social restrictions set aside, that’s not something I want a woman thinking about me. I will not have people formulating assumptions about me. I’m very 007, so I like it when people don’t know what I can and can’t do. It’s the reason I answer every personal question I’m asked with “It’s possible!” This dancing debacle has me wanting to learn some moves. I have watched that “Bumpy Ride” song video and all that is a bit too acrobatic for me. I’m starting with something simple like the “Jitterbug”. 


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