HALLOO! AM CHAUSIKU..

I appreciate on those who read my articles,few emails and phone calls i get everyday they keep me motivated.
As always i write about matters that either leave me in a dilemma or matters that irritate me,sometimes i write about the best and happiest things and my adventures in general..
I think about people names in my country and i find them so attic ,i don't mean to offend any one ,my exposure to different places has been adequate ,as i sit preparing myself for a better afternoon at the office i receive a client ,as always i attended the client and applied some of my creativity to do the work she asks for carefully but at the end i ruined it ,and the weird part is after she told me her name i gagged ,she looked provoked how stupid i was not to hold the laughter.
What made me express the mirth really?despite on how her name was weird i could not have laughed ,how rude of me.
In Tanzania parents name their children many names,but they really have bad choices of names,despite me having one of the weird names "msongo" which actually means stress or an enthusiast ,but this client had  a name that i asked myself questions...why name your daughter night "chausiku" ? this is not the only name i came across, "Shida" meaning suffering , "Maumivu" meaning pain ,"kijiko" meaning spoon and many other names.
Its time we call our children good names ,a name can make one have bad future,of course naming your kid Maumivu the name will already make the kids future hell,who will want to hire someone called pain?
I have seen people called "tabu"( trouble) and yet they are the annoying people ever.

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HEY!! AM NAKED BUT DON'T LOOK

Am getting irritated with manners of my sisters these days,few months back i posted an article on how women can be complicated and confusing,the fact that they use an hour on the mirror irritates a lot of my drinking mates.
Today while i was in a public bus i saw something so confusing ,and trust me attractive too,and this issue isn't the first am seeing ,i have seen quite the same scenarios.
My eyes have no curtains,and surely you cant block them since you didn't place them,ok let me set the scenes for you,as the bus stopped boarded an aesthetically appealing lady,her scent of smell was expensive i tell you she was wearing those Victoria Secrets smell,the cat walk was so professional like Meagan Good's ...i could barely stop staring at her though i knew starring is the rudest thing ever.
Her beauty was an epoch but something came in between ,she was dressed into a mini skirt and breast lifting top or in other words me and my lads call them "boobies hangers",seriously i had much questions ,"why dress like that in the afternoon,she looked too prepared ..As i was enjoying her beautiful essence it got too much that it was acerbic .
don't judge me for starring since i wasn't the only one,next to me sat an old grandpa age ranging 90's ,the old papichulo couldn't stop starring too,but soon as he aghast the lady noticed and she never liked the fact that the old man was starring so she took her purse and covered her thighs ,i almost did slap the old man since it was the end of me enjoying the aghast.
The lady as she reaches her destination she uses abusive words towards the old man,telling him how starring is rude ,but wait a minute,how is starring rude while you want me to stare ? why dress like Lucifer's model and tell me to close my eyes,i don't find the sense in that ,you hang your boobies like a female chimpanzee in a zoo and yet you abuse an innocent old man who thought the starring was a pleasure to him.
I don't blame on how you dress my sisters , in fact i am a big fan ,but a word of advice is wear the outfits in a conducive environment ,for God sake not in a public bus , i don't mind a mini short ,actually its far a sexy style but not a mini skirt and further more it also makes you not comfortable ,covering yourself with a purse...

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NURSE ME TRADITIONALLY....

I wonder how we treat ourselves these days ,last time my young sister had malaria we had to get her to the hospital and probably the doctor did prescribe Metakelfin, a dose that they believed it will make her fine again ,and why lie after the dose few more days then i find her happily singing at the mirror,this defined her health was getting better.
Perhaps they all didn't have my perspective,i  do hate drugs,i believe almost every disease can be cured by faith,food and traditional medicines,the fact i spent my childhood with my grand mom i think i got spoiled.
Sometimes i think i might be living amongst witch doctors ,no matter how sick i will become i usually refuse take the so called English drugs,i use different local ways treating myself and sure they do help me..
Last weekend i had a cold ,and i was convinced to use the so cold mentholin Syrup ,but i couldn't hesitate on refusing ,i got to my traditional healing as usual ,my little annoying sister keeps laughing on the methods i use to nurse my cough ,i really don't care if she finds me a weirdo trust me its worth it.
Nursing my cough its so cheap ,i don't need to see a specialist for it ,first what i do is just get my self a raw ginger and there goes the chewing,trust me the taste is so irritating but for better outcome i have to squeeze my eyebrows for me to be fine.Raw ginger is the best way to treat a cough i tell you ,i personally prefer raw ginger nursing my cough in Swahili will call them "tangawizi"

Apart from raw ginger i used some other ways to nurse my cough ,Honey! honey can be sweet but also can be the best medicine of cough and cold,my grandma always says honey when is taken at the right way it probably cures a lot of diseases,you can take tea spoons of honey or you can mix it in a hot cup of tea.. theoretically honey can help reduce duration of cold.

Lemon and garlic another way of curing cough and even flu,My grandma she is kind of an angel i tell you she took lemon and garlic ...mixed with honey and ginger and what was formed was quite amazing i had to scoop each day a table spoon ,after few days i was feeling quite okay.

Raw eggs ,this one i got from a Kenyan friend ,drinking raw eggs is the last thing i would definitely want to do,i have never tried this but i hear it among the best ways of curing a cough...this day even chicken eggs cure cough how cool it is...

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WHAT I HATE IN MOVIE THEATERS...

I am a big fun of movies ,i keep on preaching to friends how much i am a movie freak,if am not on a safari i would definitely spend my weekend watching movies.Me and my Lad Seanron spend most of our weekends in movie theaters.
I love theaters but there things that make me uncomfortable when watching movies ,i really had a hard time while watching "Sky fall " i could barely concentrate on the movie.
If i wanted to watch a movie with lots of destruction ,phones beeping , murmuring and the coldness of Antarctica i would definitely call upon my comrades at my place, switch the air condition to the maximum level and watch a movie while chatting..but because i want the calmness and the big projected movie plus the  tremendous sound i have to get a ticket earlier ,but now days the cinema is invaded. 
Are there any rules on who to bring at the cinema's ,last time i was watching a movie some woman brought her child with,the kid started frowning and next thing was her annoying crying style ,and what is more worse is they were just beside me.."EXCUSE ME" why bring a baby at the theater ?get a nanny or something,why waste my exquisite moment and the concentration i had for Bond?matter of fact i wouldn't want to miss a thing since the tickets are quite expensive these days.
I sometimes ask myself if all people who go to cinema's know how to read ,or quite a few are capable of reading,I really don't understand why one could go blind on all the ads around the theater that say switch off the phone or put them in silent mode?I have witnessed and got distracted by the ring tones and the vibrations,"Hey switch your God dame phone off",and the worst part it had to ring while i was watching the expendables past few months.
And who the hell controls the Air condition?I dot get the logic of the air vent controller or whoever is in charge,"Bros ,its too much". It destructs my concentration i tell you,why the high temperature ?and without caring enough it doesn't matter whether its winter or summer ,i am almost always freezing in theaters and i tel you am not the only one that freezes ,i have witnessed people carrying blankets and jackets ."please whoever deals with the thermostat should do something about it..
popcorn's,popcorn's ...i love popcorn's but whoever thought of them being one of the refreshments during movie times was not right i would say,if you also get the same problem as i, am sure you will support me on this ..if you are surrounded with civilized people you wont notice the trouble but if next to you is a retard weighing about 500 pounds and he is a food monger that would want you to hear his irritating way of chewing then you will face the heat..this kind of scenario has been among the common i face.Please "grow up  and chew well".
Ohh i almost forgot the story tellers ,i would like to call them Second hand directors ,stupid them ...they watch the downloaded versions before premiere then they come to theaters to tell us whats going to happen next...next time i meet such a person i would definitely punch his face..
To conclude is i have seen a five year old girl in the theater before and you wouldn't want to know what movie was on screen ,"Hannibal"..scary right,it leaves me surprised ,i barely see children on animation premieres in my country ,but horror you would see at least five of them...what is just happening??
Please people change,theaters are places i go find my peace,change ...change...

       

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TANZANIA RICHEST MAN ON FORBES LIST..(net worth $520M)

Said Salim Awadh Bakhresa (born 1949 in Zanzibar, is an extremely reclusive Tanzanian business tycoon.

He is the founding father and the Chairman of the Bakhresa Group Of Companies. He is a well-known industrialist in the mainland of Tanzania and island of Zanzibar. With a humble beginning as a small restaurateur in seventies, he created the business empire within a span of three decades. He is the mastermind behind the success of all the businesses within the group. His vision and excellent managerial skills contributed to the growth of this group to great heights.

At the age of 14, he dropped out of school to become a potato mix salesperson and would later go on to become a successful African businessman.Bakhresa Group; is a conglomerate of various companies and is the largest milling company in East Africa with operations in Tanzania and five other countries.

After getting into the potato mix industry, Bakhresa got involved as a restaurant operator in the 1970s and then went into grain milling. Even today, the main products from Bakhresa's company comes from the Kipawa Flour Mill where various rice and grain products are being processed. The neighboring country of Rwanda is dependent on Bakhresa's mill to provide 120,000 tons of wheat flour per year; which is expected to ease pressure of food prices in a country which approximately 52% of households don't have an adequate level of food security. This is a major concern according to the World Bank's Country Assistance Strategy. Bakhresa's projects in Rwanda are also expected to create jobs and help to increase national corporate tax revenues.

His group employs more than 2000 people and is Tanzania's largest conglomerate. Other specialties produced through Bakhresa's conglomerate includes: confectioneries, frozen foods, various kinds of drinks, and packaging. The Azam brand is Bakhresa's most successful chocolate and ice cream manufacturer in Tanzania. While the company is managed by his sons, Bakhresa owns the company itself. Its daily capacity for manufacturing is 2100 metric tons and made sales of $800 million in 2011. Bakhresa's Azam Marine division is providing international tourists with quick ferry services as more people discover Tanzania. In addition to Zanzibar, riders can also experience Lake Victoria and Mount Kilimanjaro.

Bakhresa is helping to reduce the effects of malaria on his employees by preventing the spread of the disease at his workplaces. As a result, Bahkresa's firm only spends about $3400 USD a month for malaria medication as opposed to $10000 USD per month to heal its sick workforce. They stopped using Fansidar; a monotherapy drug in favor of more effective artemisinin-based therapies that utilizes polytherapy. Other companies are united with the Bakhresa Group to stop malaria in their region. Residents of Tanzania who work outside of Bakhresa's company have also benefitted from Bakhresa's crusade against malaria in Africa.

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25 AWESOME TIPS For a Beautiful Life.

if you implement all of these or only half of it then you life will be easy and awesome.

1. Take a 10-30 minute walk every day. & while you walk, SMILE. It is the ultimate antidepressant.

2. Sit in silence for at least 10 minutes each day.

3. When you wake up in the morning, Pray to ask God’s guidance for your purpose, today.

4. Eat more foods that grow on trees and plants and eat less food that is manufactured in plants.

5. Drink green tea and plenty of water. Eat blueberries, broccoli, and almonds.

6. Try to make at least three people smile each day.

7. Don’t waste your precious energy on gossip, energy vampires, issues of the past, negative thoughts or things you cannot control. Instead invest your energy in the positive present moment.

8. Eat breakfast like a king, lunch like a prince and dinner like a college kid with a maxed out charge card.

9. Life isn’t fair, but it’s still good.

10. Life is too short to waste time hating anyone. Forgive them for everything !

11. Don’t take yourself so seriously. No one else does.

12. You don’t have to win every argument. Agree to disagree.

13. Make peace with your past so it won’t spoil the present.

14. Don’t compare your life to others. You have no idea what their journey is all about.

15. No one is in charge of your happiness except you.

16. Frame every so-called disaster with these words: In five years, will this matter?’

17. Help the needy,Be generous ! Be a Giver’ not a Taker’

18. What other people think of you is none of your business.

19. Time heals everything.

20. However good or bad a situation is,it will change.

21. Your job won’t take care of you when you are sick. Your friends will. Stay in touch.

22. Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need.

23. Each night before you go to bed,Pray to God and Be thankful for what you’ll accomplish, today !

24. Remember that you are too blessed to be stressed.

25. Share this to everyone on your list to help them lead a happier life!!!!

Courtesy of:dewjiblog

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WEDDINGS ARE APISH....

Weddings give me goosebumps ,its not that i hate seeing people tying  that knot but it really scares me that each day i have to witness breakups and divorces..
In other countries wedding are simply done with no complications ,the weds go to church and get back home to celebrate with few friends and loved ones .
But in my country Tanzania its quite different i tell you , what am trying to set here are scenes that most weddings in my country have to do despite the few ones where involves rich people...
First after approaching your lovely girl by using different sugar coated words and finally getting her that doesn't mean its the end of the story ,one stress after the other will haunt you ..one of the stress is the dowry.Its quite different in my country ,i get to understand in some cultures like Indians the woman has to pay dowry for the man ,but here in Tanzania the man has to pay the dowry and not just something small,you have to give out what the ladies family wish to have ...
some of the few things that they will order you to bring are ,Grandpa's Blanket and Stick ,Grandma's Bed sheet and a traditional cloth known as "Khanga",next are the parents , Dads shirt and suit and others order some more difficult things ,for the mother a bag full of fancy clothes and don't think that's it you still have the uncles and aunties not forgetting the sisters and brothers .
After Dowry process ,you still have long meetings that will definitely waste time and money...after meetings we have the so called Kitchen party ,a party where men are not allowed , i always ask myself what's the use of this party ,and why call it kitchen party ,i wonder if they teach them to cook in this parties or is it a meeting where women plan on eliminating men's courage.i hope its not a fake party where missiles and grenades are targeted to us.
Kitchen party cant be the end ,they still have to do the Send Off party...Holy me...why a send off party? i have never gotten allegiance of this party also...this is where the girl exposes the Husband to the public ,i really don't understand why expose him at a send off party while you can still expose him at the wedding...
Then finally the wedding ,where invitations are given to more than a hundred people ,a presidential like escort to the venue ,the part that i mostly hate ,noise pollution i could say ,why press the horns to the public ,can it be silently...and why blow trumpets loudly like having a monarchy ambling band ...
The whole process gets me into a surprise ,i really dont understand the logic of everything and yet we call ourselves poor.ooohh i almost forgot that how generous people from our country are, they will donate any amount of money for weddings but not a penny for education ..and yet we call ourselves poor ...i find it apish..

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Greatest Singing Voices In Tanzania PT 1

Banana Zorro



Banana Zorro is most certainly one of the best vocalists of all time in Tanzania. The inaugural winner of Tanzanian version of American Idol wowed the country with his incredible vocals and still today is considered as one of the best singers in the nation, simply because his voice is so rich and powerful. On top of the richness of his voice, he is also the most versatile singer of all time. Being able to change his voice to fit almost any genre ranging from R&B, Zouk, Pop, just to name a few. Coming from a very talented musical family some his classic hits include Mama Yangu, Mama Kumbena, Nzela, Zoba, Anakudanganya etc  Lady Jay Dee  

There's not enough words to describe Jay Dee's voice. It's powerful. Soulful, raw, beautiful, sweet, emotional, rich and strong. She's the best female singer in the Country. From her debut charismatic vocals in the timely classic "Machozi" to her seductive, yet appealingly unique and sexy voice. Jay Dee has proven she is the whole Package. Nobody interprets a song like this lady, and she can sing in almost any genre without losing her renowned style.At her best very few can complete with her  Diamond Putting away all the negative criticism and public slaughter this guy gets. Whether you like him or not the boy has one the best Vocals in the nation. The "mbagala" hit maker works hard and devotes a lot to his music.Being a trendsetter, promoters have pay a lot of chunk to have this guy perform. Growing up from a poor family makes him get easily carried away with wealth and fame, but i believe once he grows out of it he can become a legend.  Chegge  
 Chegge Chingunda, probably has the most unique singing voice in the industry. Its just your typical "swahili" type of singing with distant elements of Bob Marley and rather K'naan.  Coming from Manyema family all the Way to TMK family, Chegge has managed to establish himself as one of the most talented singers in the business. He might not be hitting the notes but Chegge's voice is unique and has a rich sense of originality.  Linah   
Relatively new to the game, this songstress has the ability to become one of the best singers to ever come out of the nation if she puts focus on it. With such a powerful voice she can sing about any genre of music.    

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SIRI YA MTUNGI (Tanzanian best series by John Riber)

Siri ya mtungi is a Tanzanian TV series that will educate you and make you understand the E.African way of living especially Tanzania.

A series that explains the life of a photographer known as cheche ,Cheche is a owner of a photograph studio known as mtungi.Cheche has a wife a wife that together they raise their two kids and while the wife is pregnant of the third one.

Cheche is trying to find a solution on how he can start a new business after knowing life wont be more easy since he is expecting another child.

A series created by MFDI Tanzania  under the Director John Riber  an expertise that has done alot in the film industry ,doing films like Neria and Yellow Card.John Riber has quite brought a change to African films many admire his work .

The series aims at bringing development in Tanzania.

For more info:www.siriyamtungi.com

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IS DECEMBER 2012 END OF THE WORLD?

As we are about to finish 2012 ,the year that had a lot of events ,the good and the worst .I remember reading papers and some billboards around my country and even articles written by my apotheosis around the world and trust me all the writings weren't good since everyone was claiming December might be the end of the world ,with no eligible proof .
I am not scared of the world ending but my big worry is there are lot in this world haven't happened yet ,the world ending in December isn't the best thing to hear,i hope who ever started this is bluffing .
I even heard from a friend that the date of the Doomsday is 21st of December ,this got me more worried that it had to be that soon ,soon enough that i wouldn't see my grandma for Christ mass,many questions in my mind ,one of them is why ending the world before Christ mass ,how can we sing Jingle bell then ,how can my little young sister not get the chance to believe Santa is coming to give her a barbie doll?
I surely don't know what kind of catastrophe will end the world ,is it that fib that we all saw on the movie 2012 featuring Nicholas Cage ? i honestly cant buy that .
I don't want to accredit the whole idea since i also heard the same fib that May 2011 the world was going to collapse,and here we are living in 2012,now i don't see those billboards that said May was doomsday.
How can the world end while Arsenal haven't got any trophy, that's a joke a lad of mine we always tell.
We lived to see many things happen ,other things that we never even expected ,but all i can say is how sure are they that the world is going to collapse on 21st December?
keep following my articles this week luckily you will read about what i think hasn't happened to the world  and what has happened that i don't like.
Latest i hear is NASA has tried to analyse the possibility of the earth ending and their report was there will be nothing more than December solstice.

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MEN ARE SOOOO.. PREDICTABLE?? Mmmh..!!

This singles ad was reported to have been listed in the Melbourne Herald Sun some time ago.

“SINGLE BLACK FEMALE seeks male companionship, ethnicity unimportant.

I’m a good girl from a good home, but still very playful.

I love long walks on the beach or in the woods, riding in your Ute, hunting, camping and fishing trips, cosy winter nights lying by the fire. Candle lit dinners will have me eating out of your hand. I promise to always be at the front door when you get home from work, wearing only what nature endowed me.

Call (0140xxxxxx) and ask for Daisy, I’ll be waiting….”

Please scroll down…

Over 15,000 men found themselves talking to RSPCA about helping dogs in need!

Men are so easy!

courtesy of: dewji blog

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MOVIE REVIEW; SKYFALL (get to know why its among the best selling movie)

I’ve seen every James Bond ever made and to date Sean Connery is still my favorite Bond, but Daniel Craig runs a tight, tight second. Director Sam Mendes, a perfect choice for Skyfall) takes 007 and his audience on a whirlwind, action packed, physical and emotional adventure that never lets up. With Craig and Judi Dench returning and the addition of Ralph Fiennes, Ben Whishaw, and Javier Bardem and delightful moments of homage to previous film, the latest bond adventure, Skyfall, is positively one of the best Bond’s yet!

When the theatre darkens and the film begins, Bond and another operative fiercely pursue a mercenary carrying a stolen hard drive containing the identity of every currently active NATO agent embedded in terrorist sects around the globe putting their lives in imminent jeopardy. With such high risk stakes, Bond and fellow MI6 agent Eve (Naomie Harris) go to great lengths to capture the thief – wildly driving through crowed streets in Istanbul, ridiculously racing over rooftops on motorcycles, careening through market places in an SUV, leaping on to moving trains and risking life and limb to get their man. Bullets, vehicles, fists and debris take to the air – all before the new opening theme performed by superstar Adele and impressive, visually stunning opening credits roll.

Craig has aged beautifully and made the iconic character his own, creating an intriguing and multi-dimensional and still super sexy Bond. With a touch of humor and far more seriousness, he and Dench afford audiences the opportunity to experience a better Bond, a Bond with more surprising twists and all the booze, boldness, babes, brilliant villains and excitement of vintage Bond. I loved watching him casually sort out his cuffs and just as nonchalantly plot impossible escapes. And the interaction between Bond and M gratify with humor and intensity.

Skyfall is equal parts sophistication and downright outrageousness – the story never taking itself too seriously, and offering crisp, interesting writing and exceptional characters. Bardem, a true acting chameleon, plays techno-villain, Silva, with flawless, skin-crawling creepiness and ample threat. From the time he hits the screen, he manages to exude evil and evoke loathing more than almost any other Bond baddie.  Dench, whose name M could stand for caring mother or master of puppetry in Skyfall, plays M with ample matronly fervor and somber frigidity.

Fiennes and Whishaw, too, delight. Whishaw is particularly enjoyable and fascinating as Q, the young, nerdy agent in charge of creating 007’s gadgets.  His new-age technology doesn’t necessarily mean old-school super-spy devices, which makes for some witty moments between characters. As Gareth Mallory, Fiennes, who (spoiler) will most likely find a home in subsequent films, creates yet another multi-faceted person with which M and Bond can verbally spar.  And in a relatively sparse on screen showing Albert Finney garners praise.

Long time fans of the now fifty-year-old series will delight in all the tributes to classic Bond and Ian Fleming’s characters. The MGM Studios bankruptcy fiasco nearly cost us the opportunity to see this new and improved Bond, and after the relatively disastrous showing of its immediate predecessor, Quantum of Solace, the series needed to score big and BIG it is! What an excellent Golden Anniversary present to filmmakers and fans!

Much of the credit must being given, as it is due, to Mendes, for the overall awesomeness of Skyfall.. Yes, the cast is exceptional – I have a feeling Bardem came on board because of this director – and the story (even with all of the implausibilities and plethora of writers), but Mendes’ style and hands are all over it – providing some of the most visually interesting and intense mental and physical moments of all of the films together. Yes, Mendes breathes new life and infuses humor into a series that might have continued to falter under another director.

The PG-13-rated Skyfall runs a lengthy two hours and twenty-three minutes and not once did I check my watch. Exciting and intriguing from start to finish, I am looking forward to the film series’ next installment, which promises to continue to pay tribute to Bond of old. I am placing an A in my grade book. I sat next to an eighteen-year-old student of mine, who held the same giddy excitement as I. Bravo Bond and welcome to my top ten list!

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A Daladala Tale...

I had been living in Dar-es-Salaam for a year when I started meeting her in a daladala. We did not talk at first. There was a problem. She was a woman and I was a man. In daladals that does not just happen: random conversation. Unless the daladala nearly has an accident ,which is rare.

A daladala running out of fuel in a jam still gets on people’s nerves and gets them talking, quarreling actually. A presidential convoy forcing us to swerve to the side of our narrow road really gets people going.

We did not bond over any of those things. For a long time, we did not even talk. But I watched her because she was interesting. Although she was darker than black Bata shoe polish, the conductors called her Mzungu. She insisted on English when speaking to them. Even when about to disembark, she would not try to say "Kondaa Nishushe". She said, “Conductor, I’m getting out.”

She insisted on not being cheated by a single shilling in the fare though she did not look poor. She was the first person I ever saw with an Apple iPod back when, with many Tanzanians, I did not know who Steve Jobs was. An iPod, then, was more expensive than some small coloured TVs.

But that was not what I found most interesting about her. I watched her, every time, to see if she would, just once, sleep through her stop. She was an uninhibited sleeper in the taxi. But right at her daladala stop, her head would snap back, her eyes pop open, and she would near yell, “Conductor, I’m getting out.”

Everything was elegant about her, except the way she slept and woke up in a panic. I did not understand why she slept in a taxi until she told me her reasons. I thought it would be that she was a single mother of three, looking after her unemployed parents and paying tuition for her siblings. I thought maybe it was because she had to wake up so early to go to work and just getting a chance to rest in this evening taxi, on the long journey home.

I thought of every reason why she slept in a taxi, but for the one she told me when we finally talked. She said, “So fewer men can have a chance to ask me for my number.” Since then, I have never sat next to her when I didn’t have to.

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I want some Senene

The awesome month is here. Allow me welcome November. Two things are likely to happen. I will either have diarrhoea more often, or constipation. Dear Lord, lead my way. The reason I rejoice about November is not the rains that make me “forget” myself in bed or the soggy earth that makes me almost employ someone to do the laundry for me during this month. I refuse to mention how many times I keep explaining myself to my boss every morning just because I’m running late. November. Amidst all those issues just one thing delights me, those creepy insects that are in the locust family. The seasonal grasshoppers locally known as Senene.

As a matter of fact, the month of November is known as Senene in Uganda. This is enough to explain that these grasshoppers are normally around during this time of the year. It was therefore not shocking when I goggled about it and the first result I received was “Grasshoppers-senene- a Haya?Uganda delicacy” As a consumer, I find these insects quite costly. Perhaps they are charging us for the cold nights they spend trying to catch grasshoppers. They have to look for very bright lights, could this be an extra charge for TANESCO?

When I first ate these grass hoppers, I hated the whole Idea. I remember throwing up too. But 10 years later, I met a friend who invited me to her house. She loved grasshoppers. As she prepared them, she kept adding other ingredients like onions which gave them an attractive aroma. At the end of her preparation, I had been tempted. I really wanted to try and eat them again. These tasted so delicious and up-to-date, I have never looked back.

People who eat grasshoppers have one thing in common with pork and money lovers; nothing can ever be enough. Just the other day, on my way home, I found someone selling them and she convinced me that she had prepared them well. I did taste them at that point for jaribu, but told her to give me some worth Shs1, 000. They were soon done and I ordered for more of the same amount. I realised my stay would see me spend all my money.

Then recently, as we were walking around Kariakoo, I saw so many people vending grasshoppers. I was salivating the whole way until my friend made the wisest decision ever. She said that she was daring me to eat grasshoppers worth Shs5, 000. I insisted that I could not handle, but nothing would make her change her mind. What a lovely evening it was. I was so glad she dared me.

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Obama, why sweat to win?

Yes Ndugu Barack Obama, I guess you are still savouring the victory. You should have seen the tension on our faces (“our” here largely means Africa) when the polls at some point indicated that the Mitt Romney chap was about to pull a fast one on you. But it looks like those pollsters, like our own here, might have taken kitu kidogo from Romney’s camp. How come the so-called “close races” in Ohio and Pennsylvania never occurred?

Our bigger worry though was how on earth, our own son would be sent out of the White House just after one term. The thought of you packing your bags, with Michelle and the girls shedding tears as you made a pre-mature exit from that palace really worried us. You know in Africa we have never stopped looking at our leaders as chiefs even if they pretend to hold periodic elections and masquerade as democrats.

The truth is that they look at themselves as God-send, they live large, rule using patronage and believe only death should get them off the throne- and when that happens, one of their own should take over. These are all values our chiefs held in high esteem. And take it or not, Barack, you are one of us. You are our true son from Kogelo, just next door here in Kenya. It would therefore be very disheartening to see you not follow in the tracks of our forefathers.

Which brings me to the next point. Why did you let this election get this close? I know you worship your advisers like David Axelrod and Jim Messina to the point of saying they are the best campaign team in the history of politics but I beg to differ. How do you stay with advisers who insist that you address your mind to issues yet there are easier ways of winning an election? Why keep advisers who say you talk about unemployment, immigration, foreign policy and yet you could actually win an election by raiding the Federal Reserve Bank and inundate those unemployed voters with dollar bills and win minus breaking a sweat?

When I saw David Axelrod threaten to shave his moustache that he has kept since the 1970s if Romney made inroads into Pennsylvania and Minnesota, I kept laughing until I nearly collapsed. Why stake a beard yet you could mobilise a pack of idle youth, equip them with kiboko and unleash them onto voters, who then can be whipped into voting “wisely”? Besides environmentalists who might complain about tree branches being broken, I don’t see anyone else complaining about this approach to winning an election.

Now, I have also been told that America has this two-term presidential nonsense. Please, I know you could not mention it in your campaigns, but it is something you must think about. Who does not know that you are the best thing that ever happened to America? You are only 51 and will be 55 when this term ends—who says one leaves power at such a tender age?

As some Africa politician correctly pointed out, politics begins at 70. At 55, you still have three decades of active political life ahead of you. Here is my advice: Begin plotting on how to change that constitutional amendment. We hear the American constitution has never been tampered with, blah blah. There is always a first time. Who knew a Kenyan would rule the greatest country on planet Earth? But you broke that myth. You can also do away with this two-term myth.

I know the Congress is Republican-dominated but as some chap said somewhere—each man has his price. You can have a word with the guys at the Federal Reserve Bank and see if you can wire something to the congress men and women’s accounts. You can label it a “special consultative package”. I don’t know how much would do for them—seeing that in Uganda it was as low as $2,000 (Shs5m) for each legislator to achieve a similar feat. They should then begin talking a language you understand.

Finally ndugu, I don’t know how you are planning on retirement just in case this third-term project fails. We don’t want to see you after these four years “grassing”. Think of opening an offshore account in Sasha or Malia’s names. Ensure some public funds are wired there. Also, think of acquiring a good country resort in Kenya. You might need the good African weather to rest after hustling all these years. Enjoy your second term!

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ASK A PROSTITUTE..

Would you rather have $1,000,000 or the ability to give your wife a mind blowing orgasm every time you touch her? This has got to be the dumbest question I have ever been asked. Who would even pick the latter? Any determined man can figure out the conundrums of the female orgasm, right? But as I learned over the weekend, apparently some people would be much better off with the orgasm thing.

The only thing I know less about than relationships is sex. My pastor is very proud of me for it and my drinking buddies are not. But I have a firm policy (which I occasionally ignore for comical purposes) to never venture an opinion on things I do not know anything about. So I leave it to the experts over at Classic 105 to dispense advice on such topics.

However, I also think it makes sense that if looking for sex tips, it’s best to consult a professional. No, I don’t mean a therapist or a “sex coach” (thank you America for yet another strange occupation). I mean a person who has sex professionally. While doing research for the January project, I had a sit down with a Nairobi “working girl” named Brenda (alias). During the interview she shed light on a lot of things I hope to someday know about.

First of all, for all ye “Nay Sayers" out there, Brenda’s turnover is up to Ksh150,000 per month on a good month (tax free). I take that number as an indication that either she has A LOT of sex or she is VERY GOOD at what she does. Either way, I would like to think it adds credibility to her judgment on the subject. She and her colleague Salma told me that one of the things they get paid for is therapeutic services. Both men and women seek them out for sex tips all the time.

First of all, Brenda said affection is absolute. She told me of a married friend of her mother’s who confided in her about an affair she had been carrying on with a younger man. This woman was in her late fifties and had never had an orgasm. The younger lad was able to take her to those levels because he was more sensitive to her needs than her husband. Apparently, in forty years of marriage, she had never seen her husband naked. This is because he prefers it “in the dark” and treats sex like a secret. But the younger man walks around the house naked and is comfortable in his skin.

In addition, Brenda highlighted the need for an emotional connection. “I have multiple sex partners so what I feel depends. But when I am with my boyfriend I feel complete”, she said. Don’t even ask about the complications in that statement, I don’t feel like getting into that. Furthermore, she said people need to be open-minded and make their desires known. Finally, she said couples should shake it up. Try getting out of the boudoir and trying different rooms and positions. More importantly, she recommended that phones, computers and televisions be switched off and attention be focused on the lover and love making.

A.onyango

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WATCH THIS:New way of building your muscles (tug toner)

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KONYAGI AND SEX...

After few articles many thought of me being pervert ,i got few emails from friends and fans around the world appreciating what i write , trying to reveal things that are not well followed or known,no gossip ,no fake staff but i underline reality.

Today i have a topic that am sure it will attract many of my Lads ,as i write i think of many things like how will the public think of this.
We have watched movies and even books ,one title that i love is "Sex And Drugs"...,i know how i attracted your sub conscious mind after stating the title.I don't intend  to talk about the title but as my post title states "Konyangi and Sex".

Hey don't judge me am just trying to give a lesson here.Am not a big fan of hard liquor ,in my country "Tanzania" we have a very common hard liquor known as Konyagi ,one of the best actually ..the drink won  lots of awards ,Tourists number one choice and many visiting would carry one to their home countries ,OK my plan here is not to blarney about this drink but is to tell you how its used in my country...
One of the evenings i decided to go have few drinks to cool down my nerves ,this very famous place known as "Java" ,a place with such a criteria ,i met my drinking lads ,had a few and quite the aesthetically stories made our evening,but surely we had something missing ,adorable girls that would make our existence noticed.

Jeff luckily dropped his big red eyes on a very exquisite girl ,he was such a gentlemen,this raised the girls enthusiastic.After few drinks the waiter came to ask what more we wanted ,we all ordered the same  expect Jeff "i want a whole bottle of Konyagi" and we all dropped our eyes at him,thinking what went wrong? from Castle beer to "konyagi".

He tried to arcane the issue so he whispered in my ear ,"Musee Msongo(guy) this girl is sexy ,Chupa yote(whole bottle) of Konyagi will paralyze me and i will have a hardcore sex nakwambia".
It really caught me into a surprise ,my friend turning liquor into Viagra ,i had to do everything to stop him from having that forbidden fruit from a stranger and luckily i managed.

Ok as i shared a short story from my drinking mate "Jeff" ...what am trying to set here is we all love that long sex , we all want to please our partners thinking late ejaculation will determine how good you are , turning Liquor into Viagra isn't the best thing,the biggest problem is imagine "jeff" finishing that whole bottle ,do you think he could even recognize the girls face ,probably he could be very drunk and the result will be having sex without safeguard or passing out while having sex and this will lead the girl into stealing Jeff's properties..
Think about this careful...

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MTV EMA AWARDS 2012 (Videos,Winners ,Nominees,Photos)

I hope we all had that exquisite weekend we were all looking forward to have ,cant complain mine was quite interesting .I got a chance to be at the MTV EMA Awards ..
Surely tell you the awards were aesthetically gorgeous,one can ask how was i there , nothing to get surprised of ,thanks to the MTV EMA website and the internet provider ,i was able to attend the show while am in Africa ,i mean i watched it live...
I had to stay up all night enjoying seeing Taylor Swift ,One Direction ,Rita Ora ,Kanye West and many including my man Ludacris .
I loved this years event ,good preparation and quite fare selection on the winners .It was a very good night indeed for Taylor Swift and Justin Bieber this evening, as the pop twosome took home three MTV European Music Awards a-piece.  
Taylor was nominated for five awards over all, but lost out in the Best Pop and Best World Stage categories.
Justin sadly couldn't make the do, but in true awards-show-style sent a video message, saying it was "the best night ever." With the Best Male award being presented by the cast of Geordie Shore, he was probably quite relieved he couldn't make it.

Taylor Swift

Rita Ora

Heidi

Alicia Keys

Full list of winners from the MTV EMAs 2012

Best Female - Taylor Swift

Best Male - Justin Bieber

Best New Act - One Direction

Best Song - Call Me Maybe, Carly Rae Jepson

Best World Stage - Justin Beiber

Best Video, Gangnam Style, PSY

Best Rock - Linkin Park

Best Pop - Justin Beiber

Best Look - Taylor Swift

Best Alternative - Lana Del Rey

Best Hip Hop - Nicki Minaj

Best Live - Taylor Swift

Biggest Fans - One Direction

BestPUSH - Carly Rae Jepson

Global Icon - Whitney Houston

 

Justin Beiber video thanking his fans

 

Rita Ora 

Backstage

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MY REVIEW: A CONDOM COMMERCIAL

I always see this advert on my local TV, i surely don't understand the main breakdown , i don't mean to become TMZ but surely what does it really mean , my friend Suzy tells me i just hate the Commercial because am not a big fun of Condoms. I surely hated condoms but i have no option rather than tearing the pack and wearing one to prevent myself from the killer disease AIDS.

Condoms have never been a very close friend of mine because they also once challenged me and embarrassed me , i remember visiting the Mangi Kioski just nearby ,it took me  time to say what i wanted cause i had that fear that how will the Mangi think of me.

lets cut the chase and get back to the advert,i understand the producers target was to show that a guy using condom is the man,well understood but at least the scenes could talk more on the condoms,what i love about this commercial is the wobbly beats and the funny music that is used, but to my point of view it does not convince me to buy the condom ,but it only teaches me to  give a ride to a beautiful women if she is stranded , kick a smugglers butts when he steals from a women ,how to approach a lady while smiling and the next thing we do is dancing ,when am in a daladala should watch around if a big mama is starring at me.

Hey don't call me loather , no hard feelings on Dume ,by the way am their good purchaser but my advice is next they do a commercial about condoms think of something real ,something emotional ,show victims ,let them talk about this killer disease ,show symptoms and how many people we are loosing each day because of this disease..trust me emotion teaches,am sure your target was the youth that's why you used the wobbly beats ,the good looking tall guy and an aesthetically appealing woman,not bad i say but emotion and reality could make the message pave ways..

issah QM Msongo

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WHY ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER CANT RESIST ACTING (despite his age ,also see his trailers)

"I'll be back" how many of you recall this phrase ,Perhaps everyone that is a fun of the American professional body builder who won Mr.Universe at the age of 20.

Arnold Schwarznegger loved by many ,a good actor that thrilled the action world movies ,speaking of him i don't think out there we have someone who is not aware of his movies,the Austrian bad ass .

Am a big follower of this dude, that probably now he should be in a museum,as he said in Expendables ,i heard a lot this year about him being featured in different roles and several upcoming movies, but don't we all remember he claimed retirement ?

I don't blame Katherine's dad ,he is now getting back his muscles on the screen ,but this time aged muscles but we are still thirsty to see them,see him swing a beer mug at a guys head .

Arnold cant resist acting just because he enjoys what he does and he does it best ,but this time around on my point of view is i like this guys film and this upcoming movies are full of comedy seeing Mr. Universe Grandpa on the run is such a Honor.

Among Arnold Schwarzenegger's list of upcoming projects - which apparently now also includes The Legend of Conan - is Ten, David Ayer's action thriller that will have Schwarzenegger playing the leader of an elite DEA task force. The actor shared a photo of himself today in uniform and tattoos for the role. 

In addition to Schwarzenegger, Ten stars Sam Worthington, Mireille Enos, Olivia Williams, Malin Akerman, Joe Manganiello, Josh Holloway, Terrence Howard and most recently added to the cast, Harold Perrineau. The film follows a DEA task force that's under investigation for stealing $10 million of drug money during a raid. That in itself is bad enough, but things get worse when members of the team start getting killed one by one. 

Schwarzenegger tweeted the photo below, which shows us a heavily armed John 'Breacher' Wharton. 

Arnold Schwarzenegger will return to the role that launched his career.  The Action star is slated to reprise the role ofConan in a direct sequel to 1982’s Conan the Barbarian. The film will be titled The Legend of Conan and will ignore previous franchise entries Conan the Destroyer and the 2011 re-boot Conan the Barbarian, which starred Jason Momoa as the iconic character in place of Schwarzenegger, garnering disappointing box office returns.

According to one of the film’s producers, Fredrik Malmberg, the film will pick up where the original left off — with Conan on the throne. He will apparently be living out the later years of his life and looking to go out with a great battle. Schwarzenegger said of his return to Conan, “I always loved the Conan character and I’m honored to be asked to step into the role once again.”

Schwarzenegger has been making movie news a lot lately after his return to acting in The Expendables 2. Not only does the actor have  The Tomb with Sylvester Stallone scheduled to come out in 2013, but in the same year he headlines his own film, The Last Stand.

1. The expendables

2. The Tomb

3. Last Stand

4. Ten

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